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Act The Third
Act The Third
Scene - A Room in Hardcastle`s House
Enter Hardcastle, alone
Hard. What could my old friend Sir Charles mean by recommending his son
as the modestest young man in town? To me he appears the most impudent piece
of brass that ever spoke with a tongue. He has taken possession of the easy
chair by the fire - side already. He took off his boots in the parlour, and
desired me to see them taken care of. I`m desirous to know how his impudence
affects my daughter. She will certainly be shocked at it.
Enter Miss Hardcastle, plainly dressed
Hard. Well, my Kate, I see you have changed your dress, as I bade you;
and yet, I believe there was no great occasion.
Miss. Hard. I find such a pleasure, sir, in obeying your commands, that I
take care to observe them without ever debating their propriety.
Hard. And yet, Kate, I sometimes give you some cause, particularly when I
recommended my modest gentleman to you as a lover to - day.
Miss Hard. You taught me to expect something extraordinary, and I find
the original exceeds the description.
Hard. I was never so surprised in my life! He has quite confounded all my
faculties!
Miss Hard. I never saw anything like it: and a man of the world too!
Hard. Ay, he learned it all abroad - what a fool was I, to think a young
man could learn modesty by travelling. He might as soon learn wit at a
masquerade.
Miss Hard. It seems all natural to him.
Hard. A good deal assisted by bad company and a French dancing - master.
Miss Hard. Sure you mistake, papa! A French dancing - master could never
have taught him that timid look - that awkward address - that bashful manner -
Hard. Whose look? whose manner, child?
Miss Hard. Mr. Marlow`s: his mauvaise honte, his timidity, struck me at
the first sight.
Hard. Then your first sight deceived you; for I think him one of the most
brazen first sights that ever astonished my senses.
Miss Hard. Sure, sir, you rally! I never saw any one so modest.
Hard. And can you be serious! I never saw such a bouncing, swaggering
puppy since I was born. Bully Dawson was but a fool to him.
Miss Hard. Surprising! He met me with a respectful bow, a stammering
voice, and a look fixed on the ground.
Hard. He met me with a loud voice, a lordly air, and a familiarity that
made my blood freeze again.
Miss Hard. He treated me with diffidence and respect; censured the
manners of the age; admired the prudence of girls that never laughed; tired me
with apologies for being tiresome; then left the room with a bow; and "Madam,
I would not for the world detain you."
Hard. He spoke to me as if he knew me all his life before; asked twenty
questions, and never waited for an answer; interrupted my best remarks with
some silly pun; and when I was in my best story of the Duke of Marlborough and
Prince Eugene, he asked if I had not a good hand at making punch. Yes, Kate,
he asked your father if he was a maker of punch!
Miss Hard. One of us must certainly be mistaken.
Hard. If he be what he has shown himself, I`m determined he shall never
have my consent.
Miss Hard. And if he be the sullen thing I take him, he shall never have
mine.
Hard. In one thing then we are agreed - to reject him.
Miss Hard. Yes; but upon conditions. For if you should find him less
impudent, and I more presuming - if you find him more respectful, and I more
importunate - I don`t know - the fellow is well enough for a man - Certainly
we don`t meet many such at a horse - race in the country.
Hard. If we should find him so - But that`s impossible. The first
appearance has done my business. I`m seldom deceived in that.
Miss Hard. And yet there may be many good qualities under that first
appearance.
Hard. Ay, when a girl finds a fellow`s outside to her taste, she then
sets about guessing the rest of his furniture. With her, a smooth face stands
for good sense, and a genteel figure for every virtue.
Miss Hard. I hope, sir, a conversation begun with a compliment to my good
sense, won`t end with a sneer at my understanding?
Hard. Pardon me, Kate. But if young Mr. Brazen can find the art of
reconciling contradictions, he may please us both, perhaps.
Miss Hard. And as one of us must be mistaken, what if we go to make
further discoveries?
Hard. Agreed. But depend on`t I`m in the right.
Miss Hard. And depend on`t I`m not much in the wrong.
[Exeunt.
Enter Tony, running in with a casket
Tony. Ecod! I have got them. Here they are. My cousin Con`s necklaces;
bobs and all. My mother sha`n`t cheat the poor souls out of their fortin
neither. O! my genus, is that you?
Enter Hastings
Hast. My dear friend, how have you managed with your mother? I hope you
have amused her with pretending love for your cousin, and that you are willing
to be reconciled at last? Our horses will be refreshed in a short time, and we
shall soon be ready to set off.
Tony. And here`s something to bear your charges by the way (giving the
casket); your sweetheart`s jewels. Keep them: and hang those, I say, that
would rob you of one of them.
Hast. But how have you procured them from your mother?
Tony. Ask me no questions, and I`ll tell you no fibs. I procured them by
the rule of thumb. If I had not a key to every drawer in mother`s bureau, how
could I go to the alehouse so often as I do? An honest man may rob himself of
his own at any time.
Hast. Thousands do it every day. But to be plain with you; Miss Neville
is endeavouring to procure them from her aunt this very instant. If she
succeeds, it will be the most delicate way at least of obtaining them.
Tony. Well, keep them till you know how it will be. But I know how it
will be well enough; she`d as soon part with the only sound tooth in her head.
Hast. But I dread the effects of her resentment, when she finds she has
lost them.
Tony. Never you mind her resentment, leave me to manage that. I don`t
value her resentment the bounce of a cracker. Zounds! here they are. Morrice!
Prance! [Exit Hastings.
Enter Mrs. Hardcastle and Miss Neville
Mrs. Hard. Indeed, Constance, you amaze me. Such a girl as you want
jewels! It will be time enough for jewels, my dear, twenty years hence, when
your beauty begins to want repairs.
Miss Nev. But what will repair beauty at forty, will certainly improve it
at twenty, madam.
Mrs. Hard. Yours, my dear, can admit of none. That natural blush is
beyond a thousand ornaments. Besides, child, jewels are quite out at present.
Don`t you see half the ladies of our acquaintance, my Lady Kill - daylight and
Mrs. Crump, and the rest of them, carry their jewels to town, and bring
nothing but paste and marcasites back.
Miss Nev. But who knows, madam, but somebody that shall be nameless would
like me best with all my little finery about me?
Mrs. Hard. Consult your glasses, my dear, and then see if, with such a
pair of eyes, you want any better sparklers. What do you think, Tony, my dear?
does your cousin Con want any jewels in your eyes to set off her beauty?
Tony. That`s as thereafter may be.
Miss Nev. My dear aunt, if you knew how it would oblige me.
Mrs. Hard. A parcel of old - fashioned rose and table - cut things. They
would make you look like the court of King Solomon at a puppet - show.
Besides, I believe, I can`t readily come at them. They may be missing, for
aught I know to the contrary.
Tony. (Apart to Mrs. Hardcastle.) Then why don`t you tell her so at once,
as she`s so longing for them? Tell her they`re lost. It`s the only way to
quiet her. Say they`re lost, and call me to bear witness.
Mrs. Hard. (Apart to Tony.) You know, my dear, I`m only keeping them for
you. So if I say they`re gone, you`ll bear me witness, will you? He! he! he!
Tony. Never fear me. Ecod! I`ll say I saw them taken out with my own
eyes.
Miss Nev. I desire them but for a day, madam. Just to be permitted to
show them as relics, and then they may be locked up again.
Mrs. Hard. To be plain with you, my dear Constance, if I could find them
you should have them. They`re missing, I assure you. Lost, for aught I know;
but we must have patience wherever they are.
Miss Nev. I`ll not believe it! this is but a shallow pretence to deny me.
I know they are too valuable to be so slightly kept, and as you are to answer
for the loss -
Mrs. Hard. Don`t be alarmed, Constance. If they be lost, I must restore
an equivalent. But my son knows they are missing, and not to be found.
Tony. That I can bear witness to. They are missing, and not to be found;
I`ll take my oath on`t.
Mrs. Hard. You must learn resignation, my dear; for though we lose our
fortune, yet we should not lose our patience. See me, how calm I am.
Miss Nev. Ay, people are generally calm at the misfortunes of others.
Mrs. Hard. Now I wonder a girl of your good sense should waste a thought
upon such trumpery. We shall soon find them; and in the mean time you shall
make use of my garnets till your jewels be found.
Miss Nev. I detest garnets.
Mrs. Hard. The most becoming things in the world to set off a clear
complexion. You have often seen how well they look upon me. You shall have
them. [Exit.
Miss Nev. I dislike them of all things. You sha`n`t stir. - Was ever
anything so provoking, to mislay my own jewels and force me to wear her
trumpery?
Tony. Don`t be a fool. If she gives you the garnets, take what you can
get. The jewels are your own already. I have stolen them out of her bureau,
and she does not know it. Fly to your spark, he`ll tell you more of the
matter. Leave me to manage her.
Miss Nev. My dear cousin!
Tony. Vanish. She`s here, and has missed them already. [Exit Miss
Neville.] Zounds! how she fidgets and spits about like a Catherine wheel.
Enter Mrs. Hardcastle
Mrs. Hard. Confusion! thieves! robbers! we are cheated, plundered, broke
open, undone.
Tony. What`s the matter, what`s the matter, mamma? I hope nothing has
happened to any of the good family!
Mrs. Hard. We are robbed. My bureau has been broken open, the jewels
taken out, and I`m undone.
Tony. Oh! is that all? ha! ha! ha! By the laws, I never saw it acted
better in my life. Ecod, I thought you was ruined in earnest, Ha! ha! ha!
Mrs. Hard. Why, boy, I am ruined in earnest. My bureau has been broken
open, and all taken away.
Tony. Stick to that: ha! ha! ha! stick to that. I`ll bear witness, you
know; call me to bear witness.
Mrs. Hard. I tell you, Tony, by all that`s precious, the jewels are gone,
and I shall be ruined for ever.
Tony. Sure I know they are gone, and I`m to say so.
Mrs. Hard. My dearest Tony, but hear me. They`re gone, I say.
Tony. By the laws, mamma, you make me for to laugh, ha! ha! I know who
took them well enough, ha! ha! ha!
Mrs. Hard. Was there ever such a blockhead, that can`t tell the
difference between jest and earnest? I tell you I`m not in jest, booby.
Tony. That`s right, that`s right; you must be in a bitter passion, and
then nobody will suspect either of us. I`ll bear witness that they are gone.
Mrs. Hard. Was there ever such a cross - grained brute, that won`t hear
me? Can you bear witness that you`re no better than a fool? Was ever poor
woman so beset with fools on one hand, and thieves on the other?
Tony. I can bear witness to that.
Mrs. Hard. Bear witness again, you blockhead you, and I`ll turn you out
of the room directly. My poor niece, what will become of her? Do you laugh,
you unfeeling brute, as if you enjoyed my distress?
Tony. I can bear witness to that.
Mrs. Hard. Do you insult me, monster? I`ll teach you to vex your mother,
I will.
Tony. I can bear witness to that. [He runs off, she follows him.
Enter Miss Hardcastle and Maid
Miss. Hard. What an unaccountable creature is that brother of mine, to
send them to the house as an inn! ha! ha! I don`t wonder at his impudence.
Maid. But what is more, madam, the young gentleman, as you passed by in
your present dress, asked me if you were the bar - maid. He mistook you for
the bar - maid, madam.
Miss Hard. Did he? Then as I live, I`m resolved to keep up the delusion.
Tell me, Pimple, how do you like my present dress? Don`t you think I look
something like Cherry in the Beaux Stratagem?
Maid. It`s the dress, madam, that every lady wears in the country, but
when she visits or receives company.
Miss Hard. And are you sure he does not remember my face or person?
Maid. Certain of it.
Miss Hard. I vow, I thought so; for, though we spoke for some time
together, yet his fears were such, that he never once looked up during the
interview. Indeed, if he had, my bonnet would have kept him from seeing me.
Maid. But what do you hope from keeping him in has mistake?
Miss Hard. In the first place, I shall be seen, and that is no small
advantage to a girl who brings her face to market. Then I shall perhaps make
an acquaintance, and that`s no small victory gained over one who never
addresses any but the wildest of her sex. But my chief aim is, to take my
gentleman off his guard, and, like an invisible champion of romance, examine
the giant`s force before I offer to combat.
Maid. But are you sure you can act your part, and disguise your voice so
that he may mistake that, as he has already mistaken your person?
Miss Hard. Never fear me. I think I have got the true bar cant - Did your
honour call? - Attend the Lion there - Pipes and tobacco for the Angel. - The
Lamb has been outrageous this half hour.
Maid. It will do, madam. But he`s here. [Exit Maid.
Enter Marlow
Mar. What a bawling in every part of the house! I have scarce a moment`s
repose. If I go to the best room, there I find my host and his story: if I fly
to the gallery, there we have my hostess with her curtsey down to the ground.
I have at last got a moment to myself, and now for recollection. [Walks and
muses.
Miss Hard. Did you call, sir? Did your honour call?
Mar. (Musing.) As for Miss Hardcastle, she`s too grave and sentimental
for me.
Miss Hard. Did your honour call? (She still places herself before him, he
turning away.)
Mar. No, child. (Musing.) Besides, from the glimpse I had of her, I think
she squints.
Miss Hard. I`m sure, sir, I heard the bell ring.
Mar. No, no. (Musing). I have pleased my father, however, by coming down,
and I`ll to - morrow please myself by returning.
[Taking out his tablets, and perusing.
Miss Hard. Perhaps the other gentleman called, sir?
Mar. I tell you, no.
Miss Hard. I should be glad to know, sir. We have such a parcel of
servants.
Mar. No, no, I tell you. (Looks full in her face.) Yes, child, I think I
did call. I wanted - I wanted - I vow, child, you are vastly handsome.
Miss Hard, O la, sir, you`ll make one ashamed.
Mar. Never saw a more sprightly malicious eye. Yes, yes, my dear, I did
call. Have you got any of your - a - what d`ye call it in the house?
Miss Hard. No, sir, we have been out of that these ten days.
Mar. One may call in this house, I find, to very little purpose. Suppose
I should call for a taste, just by way of a trial, of the nectar of your lips;
perhaps I might be disappointed in that too.
Miss Hard. Nectar! nectar! That`s a liquor there`s no call for in these
parts. French, I suppose. We sell no French wines here, sir.
Mar. Of true English growth, I assure you.
Miss Hard. Then it`s odd I should not know it. We brew all sorts of wines
in this house, and I have lived here these eighteen years.
Mar. Eighteen years! Why, one would think, child, you kept the bar before
you were born. How old are you?
Miss Hard. O! sir, I must not tell my age. They say women and music
should never be dated.
Mar. To guess at this distance, you can`t be much above forty
(approaching). Yet, nearer, I don`t think so much (approaching). By coming
close to some women they look younger still; but when we come very close
indeed - (attempting to kiss her).
Miss Hard. Pray, sir, keep your distance. One would think you wanted to
know one`s age, as they do horses, by mark of mouth.
Mar. I protest, child, you use me extremely ill. If you keep me at this
distance, how is it possible you and I can ever be acquainted?
Miss Hard. And who wants to be acquainted with you? I want no such
acquaintance, not I. I`m sure you did not treat Miss Hardcastle, that was here
awhile ago, in this obstropalous manner. I`ll warrant me, before her you
looked dashed, and kept bowing to the ground, and talked, for all the world,
as if you was before a justice of peace.
Mar. (Aside.) Egad, she has hit it, sure enough! (To her.) In awe of her,
child? Ha! ha! ha! A mere awkward squinting thing; no, no. I find you don`t
know me. I laughed and rallied her a little; but I was unwilling to be too
severe. No, I could not be too severe, curse me!
Miss Hard. O! then, sir, you are a favourite, I find, among the ladies?
Mar. Yes, my dear, a great favourite. And yet hang me, I don`t see what
they find in me to follow. At the Ladies` Club in town I`m called their
agreeable Rattle. Rattle, child, is not my real name, but one I`m known by. My
name is Solomons; Mr. Solomons, my dear, at your service. (Offering to salute
her.)
Miss Hard. Hold, sir; you are introducing me to your club, not to
yourself. And you`re so great a favourite there, you say?
Mar. Yes, my dear. There`s Mrs. Mantrap, Lady Betty Blackleg, the
countess of Sligo, Mrs. Langhorns, old Miss Biddy Buckskin, and your humble
servant, keep up the spirit of the place.
Miss Hard. Then it`s a very merry place, I suppose?
Mar. Yes, as merry as cards, supper, wine, and old women can make us.
Miss Hard. And their agreeable Rattle, ha! ha! ha!
Mar. (Aside). Egad! I don`t quite like this chit. She looks knowing,
methinks. You laugh, child?
Miss Hard. I can`t but laugh, to think what time they all have for
minding their work or their family.
Mar. (Aside.) All`s well; she don`t laugh at me. (To her.) Do you ever
work, child?
Miss Hard. Ay, sure. There`s not a screen or quilt in the whole house but
what can bear witness to that.
Mar. Odso! then you must show me your embroidery. I embroider and draw
patterns myself a little. If you want a judge of your work, you must apply to
me. (Seizing her hand.)
Miss Hard. Ay, but the colours do not look well by candlelight. You shall
see all in the morning. (Struggling.)
Mar. And why not now, my angel? Such beauty fires beyond the power of
resistance. - Pshaw! the father here! My old luck: I never nicked seven that I
did not throw ames ace three times following.
[Exit Marlow.
Enter Hardcastle, who stands in surprise
Hard. So, madam. So, I find this is your modest lover. This is your
humble admirer, that kept his eyes fixed on the ground, and only adored at
humble distance. Kate, Kate art thou not ashamed to deceive your father so?
Miss Hard. Never trust me, dear papa, but he`s still the modest man I
first took him for: you`ll be convinced of it as well as I.
Hard. By the hand of my body, I believe his impudence is infectious!
Didn`t I see him seize your hand? Didn`t I see him haul you about like a
milkmaid? And now you talk of his respect and his modesty, forsooth!
Miss Hard. But if I shortly convince you of his modesty, that he has only
the faults that will pass off with time, and the virtues that will improve
with age, I hope you`ll forgive him.
Hard. The girl would actually make one run mad! I tell you, I`ll not be
convinced. I am convinced. He has scarce been three hours in the house, and he
has already encroached on all my prerogatives. You may like his impudence, and
call it modesty, but my son - in - law, madam, must have very different
qualifications.
Miss Hard. Sir, I ask but this night to convince you.
Hard. You shall not have half the time, for I have thoughts of turning
him out this very hour.
Miss Hard. Give me that hour then, and I hope to satisfy you.
Hard. Well, an hour let it be then. But I`ll have no trifling with your
father. All fair and open, do you mind me?
Miss Hard. I hope, sir, you have ever found that I considered your
commands as my pride; for your kindness is such, that my duty as yet has been
inclination. [Exeunt
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